Raven’s Story
“You have to love her and forgive her, she is your mother.” A phrase I was used to hearing, that would make my chest tighten, my breathing fast and shallow, and make me numb. I was the weird kid who was raised by my grandparents growing up. When people asked if I loved my “real” parents or wanted to live with them the answer was always the same. “I love my dad, but he can’t take care of me right now…. but I hate my mom.” Back then human trafficking wasn’t talked about. Also, I didn’t even realize I was trafficked until I was much older. Their response was always the same questioning me as to why and then judging me for not loving the person who brought me into this world. That’s the thing though, it’s hard to love the person who brought you into this world when they’re the same person that makes you want to leave it.
My parents were teenagers when they had me, both with their own struggles. My dad thought he was doing the noble thing and married my mom and went into the Army to support us. Her bipolar disorder, drug use, and her violence toward my dad made their relationship difficult though. They split up and my dad was not able to take me due to his military service. My mom also would have never allowed that. My mom immediately moved on to my stepdad.
I remember seeing my stepdad beat and assault her often. I remember him tossing me across the room then turning on me when I tried to defend her with a broom… I was 3. I could forgive my mom for all of that, after all, she was a victim too. What I still to this day struggle with, at the age of 30, is the parade of men she would let abuse me in exchange for money or drugs. I knew I was hurt, scared, and sad, but I didn’t understand why. I was finally taken out of the home by CPS for neglect and placed with my wonderful grandparents a state away.
I suffered for a long time in silence getting counseling but never talking about the sexual abuse because no one knew and I tried to block it out. In middle school, I would self-harm and binge and purge. I only opened up to a few friends but not in detail. I stopped opening up about it because a boy found out and told everyone freshman year I was a whore and not a virgin since my stepdad had “had” me. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I finally started talking about it with him and close friends that I trusted again.
My own family was always on a mission to save my mom even with me begging to not be around her. It wasn’t until I was married and I had kids of my own I finally told my family everything and put my foot down, telling them “her or me”.
My journey has led me to want to advocate and help others. I am currently a critical care nurse and training to be a SANE (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner), and I feel at the most peace that I ever have in my life.
