Devon’s Story
Once upon a time, there existed a girl who faced the world with wonder and the belief that anything was possible. The girl did everything the world taught her was the “right” way to be successful and get ahead in life. One day this girl became a woman and found out that the world had lied to her. Doing the “right” things did not mean that one would get ahead. If anything, being corrupt, heartless, vindictive, and ruthless seemed to be what worked in the world. This woman decided that she would no longer follow the rules that many people are taught in society. She came to the unfortunate realization that society did not care about her, nor did it care about her efforts. Society praised compliance and subservience. So this woman decided to say no more and began to tell the secrets that society told her to keep quiet out of fear of what would happen to her. Society tried to keep her quiet because society was afraid for itself and what it would mean if a light was cast on wrong-doings and the people behind them...
The main perpetrator in my current story involves a corrections officer of a state prison. Steve was good at portraying himself as a “good guy” and was able to trick me into believing the story he wove. He portrayed himself as a deeply sensitive and misunderstood person, who was given a hard start in life. He got away with swearing at inmates and taking his anger and frustrations out on the people around him, because he was so “sensitive” and so people were encouraged to walk on eggshells so as not to upset him further. I was preyed upon during a really low point in my life and he capitalized on that and forever changed my life. I was looking for a friend and what I received was someone who was anything but. After the grooming and “love-bombing,” Steve began to physically assault me, sexually assault me, harass me, threaten me, and stalk me. In reality, he was doing a lot of those things even before I fully recognized what was going on because that’s how narcissistic abuse occurs. I was lied to, deceived, threatened, pressured, guilted, and forced into doing things that were completely out of character for me. I felt like I was a prisoner and had to cooperate, otherwise, I knew I would end up paying for it even worse at some point. Steve made sure to let people know how much loyalty meant to him and told me multiple times how he would get people back who betray him.
Loyalty in his mind meant blind and unquestioning allegiance to him, anything short of that meant you were asking for him to retaliate. He justified everything he did. He told me stories about the times he got people back and some of those stories were ones that involved other people at work, including inmates. I tried to cease contact with him and hoped he would leave me alone, but that didn’t work. He began a smear campaign inside and outside of work before I even realized what was going on. And he did things at work to place me in harm’s way. Against my better judgment, I resumed contact with him in hopes I could get back on his good side, but that also didn’t work. Things escalated quickly within a week of resuming contact with him and I found myself having to develop yet another safety plan to try to safely make my exit once more. That plan took approximately 2 months to carry out and during that time I still had to show up for work where he is also employed. Within that timeframe there were a lot of moments where I had really close calls regarding my life, but I couldn’t tell anyone as it was happening because it wasn’t safe for me to do so. And because I knew he was already spreading more lies about me to the ones that were in the position to intervene.
It’s hard not to look back on that period with shame. When you’re under the spell of an abuser, you don’t realize what’s happening until you’re in too deep or are able to create some distance from the person. The gaslighting is brutal and I found myself feeling as though my intuition, my own gut instinct, was ripped out of my core and replaced with an immense hollowness. I couldn’t trust my own judgment nor was I able to make decisions without someone else’s help...and by “help” I mean provided the answers.
Everything was so confusing, things stopped making sense. I used to be so good at reading a person and being able to listen to my inner voice for guidance. At that point, it became near impossible to filter out the competing voices from “friends” and “mentors”. My world revolved around the workplace and its people. And I felt my own physical body growing weaker over time. I started to develop so many physical symptoms to alert me that something was not right. Yet every test came back negative. I could not figure out what was making me feel so terrible, other than stress. I went out on medical leave and that’s when clarity began to gradually come back.
When I received no help from my workplace, law enforcement, or the DA’s office, I applied for a PFA with the assistance of a community resource. I was eligible for free legal representation, but that amounted to my attorney threatening to withdraw as counsel from my case unless I was willing to make an agreement with the perpetrator and his attorney. I ended up settling for less than what I wanted due to fear of being on my own in court. I filed for an extension to extend my order of protection because every day I feared for my life and my safety, and again I was provided with free legal representation...this time a different attorney, but one that I later found out seemed to be a friend of the first one and also was affiliated with the prison because she participated in mental health commitment hearings at the facility; a conflict of interest, no? I, again, faced the threat of having counsel withdraw if I proceeded with a hearing. I could not believe that this was happening, again, a year later.
My workplace, a women’s state prison, to this day has refused to improve the conditions of my employment. I have essentially been unemployed, making no money and without health insurance, while I try every avenue possible to fight to have my basic rights preserved. I’m now being retaliated against by my employer with possible disciplinary action against me, of all people, for reporting what has happened against me and others at that prison. I am being threatened because I took a stand on social media to tell others how I have been abused and violated and how the other staff have been complicit in it along with abusing some inmates (physically and sexually). I utilized every step in the chain of command and reported it to every possible department. The media was the only resource that was not utilized. I took that step as a last resort after a year of fighting to be heard.
After coming out publicly with some of the things Steve perpetrated against me, I then faced retaliation from co-workers in the form of a smear campaign and defamatory statements on social media. I was called a liar, a home wrecker, and a false victim trying to save face. Other comments from people associated with the workplace claimed there were 2 sides to the story, that I had a history of spreading my legs at work, that I brought these things on myself, and that I should be in prison myself for filing a false police report. This was my reward for telling the truth. The more “positive” comments from co-workers still claimed I was at fault, but that his actions were inappropriate. I was also blamed by management and HR for waiting to come forward with my report, claiming that my own actions caused there to be a delay with being able to investigate things...even though they were the ones who chose to wait almost a year before they initiated an investigation after I first reported things to my supervisors. That workplace and its people are not the only place filled with so much deeply rooted toxicity against primarily female victims and survivors, this is unfortunately a common narrative in society. People who come forward with valid reports should be able to do so without fear of retaliation or misplaced blame.
Despite what Steve’s attorney tried to once claim in a legal letter threatening my partner with a lawsuit, I was sexually assaulted by Steve. More than once. A lot of my sexual interactions with him involved me crying before, during, and or afterward. Other times I would just freeze up. And still, other times I had to pretend to enjoy it out of fear of what he may do to me if I didn’t cooperate. I was forced to stay in a motel overnight on 1 occasion because he was the one driving that day for a horror-themed convention. (Side note, I used to LOVE horror-themed things, this was stuff I once looked forward to attending, now the thought of that genre and being in any type of venue reminds me of things I’d rather forget.) He claimed he was too tired to drive the rest of the way home after the convention. I even offered to drive. The motel was approximately 1 hour away from our residences and it was not that late in the day to justify it. This is where he attempted to perform oral sex on me, despite me telling him multiple times, “No”. On another occasion, he had taken me out to the middle of nowhere in a state park under the guise of flyfishing. Steve made sure to tell me that there would be no cell service when we got there. And later on, told me that there may have been a trail cam set up that caught the act. Another time I caught him once sneaking a photo of me when I was trying to get dressed in a hurry. I happened to hear the camera click, that’s the only reason I caught him that time. I demanded to see his phone and saw a blurry nude picture of me. It was evident in the picture that I was moving in a hurry based on the blurriness, but it was still easy to determine it was me...naked. He quickly showed me that he deleted the picture, but I have no confirmation that it stayed deleted. I have no idea how many other times before or after that where Steve may have photographed or videoed me without my consent during times where he preyed on me sexually or had me say and do things that were not consensual. I suspect this was not a 1-time deal because Steve told me about a time that a work friend had sent Steve a video of a young female that the co-worker pressured to engage in a sexual act. This story always stayed on my mind after I caught Steve sneaking a picture of me and makes me worry about the prospect of revenge porn...for all I know it probably already happened and I’m just not aware of it yet.
Outside of the sexual coercion and assaultive behaviors, Steve also threatened me with guns. He knew I felt unsafe and uncomfortable around them, yet he always kept one on him or close by. Steve had no problems telling me that he would shoot anyone who came through his front door and told me that he would plant a knife on them if it turned out they were not a risk. He also threatened to shoot my one dog who was not a fan of Steve. One time while attending a concert he “joked” about how funny it would be for him to plant his gun in the trunk of my car only to report the gun as stolen to the State Police. Wouldn’t that be funny to have them show up and find it in my car? Another time Steve pulled a loaded gun on me to show how fast he could do it. I froze in fear, not believing what just happened. Doing this was not a mistake, it was a threat to show what he was willing to do to me. These are some of the things Steve did to keep me in line, afraid to seek help because I knew he was watching my every move; if not physically, then with the help of his “friends” from work or by monitoring my online and phone activity.
I have been in fear the whole time I had the PFA because Steve never relinquished all of his firearms and ammo. I reported that right away and I was told point-blank by Detective Ray of a local PD that they were not going to be taking the contents of the gun safe away, even though they were not in an approved 3rd party’s possession. Steve once told me that he was not worried about having a PFA filed on him (regarding his wife) because “they won’t be able to find them all because I don’t keep them all in one place.” I testified to that statement when I was granted a temporary order and that is exactly what played out when the sheriff’s department went to order him to relinquish his firearms and ammo on February 25, 2020.
Steve has threatened me and my loved ones with legal action after a false report was made at work against my partner, claiming that my partner stated he did not want to be working there on 1st shift for mandated overtime because “***** is going to go to my house to rape Grafius.” A letter was then received in the mail within a week of that incident, where legal action was being threatened against my partner on the basis of false hearsay. Steve’s attorney then went on to state in the letter that sexual assault had “never ever” happened. I viewed this all as a covert way to communicate with me, threaten me, and send a message loud and clear to discredit what I experienced.
Steve knows I have not been able to return to work due to his actions and the employer’s gross negligence with not yet addressing his behaviors or the workplace conditions. Steve has essentially been controlling my finances in addition to where and when I am able to go places. And now his latest threat is to make me fear it even more.
Steve has clearly made me know on various occasions that our management and other staff will protect him. Steve told me he was going to destroy my career. And so far he has made good on those promises.
Steve told me that no one would believe me. No matter the evidence, including the surveillance footage I requested to be obtained by state police and the DA’s office. The negligence that has followed prior to and after me getting a PFA has pointed that he was right.
So realistically, how could I feel safe during the course of having a PFA with the knowledge that Steve still has a gun safe with contents, in a home he stated was in his name and presumably still legally has access to some degree. How do I even know for sure at this point if the gun safe hasn’t been moved to another location? How can I feel safe when Steve knows where I live and is just a short drive from his residence or from work to where I live? How can I feel safe when Steve inflicted harm on me and threatened me if I ever told anyone about it? And then went on to convince me that no one would believe me over him? Because he used the words “plausible deniability” so often and because he was a veteran and because he is friends with law enforcement and correctional staff. Because he told me countless times that he would get me back except he would wait so I wouldn’t see it coming.
The Sherriff’s department was also willing to testify on my behalf for the 2nd hearing, but the attorney provided to me pro bono refused to subpoena them. I also brought this up with the recent attorney, and again, nothing was addressed.
I did more than my part to notify and report. And nothing was done. That’s not my fault. I don’t control the justice system or law enforcement.
I then followed through with the 1st Assistant DA’s advice to submit a private criminal complaint. That was almost 5 months ago. I tried to get them and state police to obtain video footage of the one assault in public and another of threatening behavior while at the workplace. No one did anything.
But then I have authorities outside of the courtroom try to tell me that Steve has done nothing to violate the PFA order. How is that determined when things do get reported and nothing is done? I’m being harassed and having my character defamed publicly on social media and in the workplace by him and his friends. And then I was threatened and intimidated into withdrawing the petition to request the PFA be extended, otherwise, I was told I would face a lawsuit from Steve and his attorney on the grounds of harassment. Bizarre, huh? I was the one being threatened. Neither Steve nor his attorney contested any of my allegations in my original PFA testimony, nor did they contest anything in the statement I provided on record detailing the sexual assaults and abuse perpetrated by him. This was done in front of the judge, a law clerk, 3 sheriffs, my court advocate, the 2 attorneys, and him. I said these things in the courtroom after I was intimidated into withdrawing my petition to extend the order because I wanted there to be proof of my experience. I did not want him or anyone else to be able to conceal what was done...even if it never left the courtroom. I know that at least it’s on record somewhere. The truth can’t stay hidden forever.
Because I have come forward, now my employer is retaliating against me, claiming I violated their social media policy. I will more than likely be terminated for speaking the truth and letting the public know how the DOC and some of its people conduct themselves. The DOC may also fabricate and stage a situation to set me up, and use that as their justification for terminating me...because this is a tactic utilized by them all too often when the truth is taken outside the prison walls. They’re very good at victim-blaming and a simple Google search can help find instances of it.
The type of justice that was proposed to me early on came in the form of pursuing a settlement with the employer, with the heads up that it would contain a clause that prohibited me from speaking about what happened to me and how much I was given in exchange for my silence. Fuck non-disclosure agreements, especially when it concerns sexual harassment and sexual assault. Victims and survivors deserve better. The system is failing us and it needs to stop.
As a result of everything, I now have to take medications prescribed to me to lessen the effects of trauma. Before this all happened, I didn’t have as great of an appreciation for how many things can be triggers and how fast your body can be sent into an elevated state, where you may be able to look “calm” on the outside in comparison to the chaos going on in your mind and body. When unable to present as calm and together, I feel as though I look so unhinged, and finding the right words to explain to someone how and why I need help is near impossible. The amount of shame I sometimes experience is enough to kickstart a deep depressive state. To add to the shame and guilt, there have been times I wanted my life to end and thought of ways to make it happen. That monster, and the system that protects him, has taken so much from me and from others.
I find myself thinking I should know and do better because I went to school for mental health and have worked in the field for over a decade. Yet here I am, feeling sometimes more lost than if I had no map at all. My heart hurts so much for the people who seemingly have fewer resources, knowledge, and support. If I feel so lost and alone, how do these other people feel? When I catch that knowing look in another person’s eyes that reveals their pain, I feel a knee-jerk reaction, and tears start to form in my eyes. Not only am I angry and grieving the loss of so many things in my life, tangible and not, but I also find myself growing angrier and more grief-stricken about the collective of people who have been failed and are looking for a way to put their lives back together.
I have no clue what else is headed my way or how this story will end. What I do know is that I cannot stop telling my story until it has been told to everyone that needs to hear it. I need to be the person that I wish would have been there to warn me of the monsters, to give me more of a fighting chance. I need to be the person that should have been standing in my corner from the very beginning, regardless of what perceived money could be made off of my pain and suffering. I need to be the person that does not sell their soul in exchange for a paycheck or a pension. I need to be the person who does not build success on the bodies and spirits of people who are vulnerable. I need to be the person who stands for justice, even if it means standing alone for a while. I know the people meant for me will be there waiting for me to join them. I know I won’t be alone forever. And I know my fight will at least mean one less person will have to stand on their own. That person will never have to question whether they were the only one this has happened to because my story will be out there letting them know they are not alone.
Once upon a time, there existed a girl who faced the world with wonder and the belief that anything was possible. The girl did everything the world taught her was the “right” way to be successful and get ahead in life. One day this girl became a woman and found out that the world had lied to her. But now she is taking control of the narrative, writing her own story as she pursues justice over and over again. Her story isn’t over yet.
