10 Ways to Care for a Friend who Discloses a Recent Assault

What are you supposed to say when someone you care about shares their trauma with you? How are you supposed to support them and help hold their pain? It’s a position you never want to be in, but how you react to a friend that discloses their sexual assault is incredibly important.

If you’re worried about saying the wrong thing, you’re not alone. Fear of sounding ignorant, offensive, or insincere are valid concerns; especially when you deeply care about the person disclosing information. Rest assured, It’s not so much the words you say that matter, so much as the meaning behind the words. Believe them. Show them you still love them. Many survivors may feel violated and less worthy of love during this time, and it matters most that you show them how profoundly beloved they truly are, in the middle of their vulnerability and pain.

Here are our 10 tips on how to talk to a survivor who discloses their recent assault, written by a survivor:

1. Reassure them that you believe them. It is incredibly difficult to talk about one’s assault; they may be worried you won’t believe them and be battling feelings of shame. Please avoid saying “I can’t believe this happened!” While you may not have meant it this way, it can tell a survivor you don’t quite believe what they’re telling you, and that alone can complicate the grieving and healing processes. 

2. Tell them it’s not their fault. Many survivors internalize the experience, and, in trying to find a way to explain what happened to them, find reasons to blame themself. Please never say “everything happens for a reason.” No. Assault is not part of a grand plan. Assault is a traumatic experience and no one ever deserves to be assaulted, regardless of their outfit, sobriety, behavior, job, or anything else. Do not tell them they, in any way, deserved it, or that it was supposed to happen. It was not their fault.

3. Don’t ask for details. This can retraumatize them and make them relive the experience. If they choose to report the assault, trained personnel will communicate with them to get the information they need to pursue justice. Your job is to comfort them, not to investigate.

4. Ask them if they want to vent or if they want advice. They may still be processing what has happened and aren’t ready to talk about the decisions moving forward. Having someone to confide in can give a survivor a glimmer of hope during a darkened time. It’s helpful to confirm what their needs are without making assumptions. Do they just need someone to listen, or do they want an opinion? Never give unsolicited advice. 

5. If they give permission for advice, ask them if they want to file a report. While there is no time limit on making a report, it can be especially daunting when the memories of the attack are fresh. Offer to go with them to the police station, the shelter, the hospital, the Title IX office, or whatever your closest resource is to support them. For more information on how to report a sexual assault, please see this article from RAINN.

6. If the survivor chooses to report their assault, refrain from as much personal clean-up as possible, despite how hard it may be. Definitive evidence collection is so important if they choose to pursue justice against their assailant. Depending on the nature of the assault, this means avoiding showers, brushing teeth, and even drinking water or chewing gum. If the survivor chooses to change clothes, bring the soiled clothes along to the report.

7. If they choose not to report, offer to help them get cleaned up. After the assault, they may smell like the attacker, or the clothes they wore may now serve as a reminder of what happened. A shower and fresh clothes can help ground a survivor in the present moment. (Remember: they can always change their mind and report down the road!)

8. Ask them if they have a safe place to stay. Are they going home to their attacker? Does their attacker know where they live or how to access them? If you can’t offer up your own home, help them find another place to stay. Shelters, hotels, or mutual friends’ houses are options you can explore. If they choose to stay at a hotel, ask the concierge if they can be “unlisted” in the registry. This means that if someone comes in and asks what room “X” is staying in, the hotel staff has to respond with “there is no one here by that name”. It is an extra layer of security that can help a survivor feel safe.

9. Support them even when they aren’t around. Don’t let others criticize them or belittle their trauma. Part of being an advocate and a friend is defending them even when they don’t know it.

10. Recognize that they may not be themselves for a long time. Physical touch may trigger them and intimacy of any kind may inadvertently feel like a violation now. Consent in all aspects of the relationship is key. Ask if you can come over before stopping by - they may panic not knowing who is outside their door. Ask if you can give them a hug when you see them. Ask if you can bring another friend to a get-together ahead of time, as being around strangers may heighten their anxiety. And just know that every day may be different. Just as you may have days where you’re grumpy or a little sad, they may have days where they are more affected by the trauma than usual. 

Just be a friend. They need a friend now, more than ever.