Caterina’s Story, Part 2: Rediscovering My Sexuality
On Valentine's Day of 2020, at the ripe age of 40, I came out as:
Not straight
#polyamorous and in an #openmarriage
It was one of the most LIBERATING and TERRIFYING things I've ever done. I don't regret it for a second.
Some things have changed. A LOT has happened.
(Hello global pandemic and getting abused and raped by the man I was in love with…)
But mostly? I feel more AUTHENTIC, HEALED, and IN ALIGNMENT with my truth than I ever have in my 42 years on earth.
I'm not hiding a single part of myself, and fuck is that a magical feeling. What you see HERE is ALL of me. What a radical idea in the age of picture 'perfect' feeds and hidden agendas.
Have I lost friends, family, and followers over the last 16 months? YES. But the people I've gained more than makeup for the losses, painful and soul-crushing as they were.
I've gone from identifying as bisexual to I'm not sure to #queer. Queer feels the most fluid and frankly, had I been born 30 years later, I'm not sure if I'd identify as she/her. Deciding on any one label for the rest of my life feels restrictive. Why is it necessary?
I've struggled with not feeling "gay enough". But ultimately, coming out wasn't about fitting in with the queer community for me, it was about telling the truth. I knew that some would embrace me and others reject me.
Why did I come out? Because there are so many others who feel just like me and think that they are weird, alone, and that they have to hide.
There are so many Rebels looking for their freedom. Looking for their people. Looking for validation and the knowledge that they aren't alone. Looking for the gates that cage us in mainstream, vanilla society and keep us from venturing out into the wild and from coming home to ourselves.
HERE'S WHAT I KNOW, NOW:
I'm not less QUEER because I'm married to a straight, Cis man or because my desire for women and other genders feels different from my desire with Cis men.
I'm still polyamorous. But I could likely be monogam"ish" with the RIGHT man, for a period of time, and find it deeply fulfilling. My desires fluctuate, however, and my desire for women AND men is ever-present, so I will never agree to lifelong monogamy again.
I am not interested in the hierarchy between relationships. My husband doesn't always come first, and nor do I for him. Lol TBH it's often our businesses right now #entrepreneurlife
I'm still kinky and into BDSM. Vanilla sex doesn't interest me anymore. For me, kink adds a depth of intimacy that is beyond compare. That shared exploration of the dark corners of your soul with another human is life-changing.
I know that kink will help me heal my trauma further when I'm ready and I find the RIGHT person. That is INFORMED, EDUCATED, CONSENSUAL, and SACRED kink. Not the kind of kink that my abuser, the man who raped me, taught me about.
WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?
I didn't get raped because I'm a 'slut' and kink isn't to blame either. The man who raped me is. And the systemic sexism and sexual repression that riddles our society. This sexism and repression inadvertently hides predators like him within the kink community because people are shamed and outcast from mainstream society for their desires. And because we live in a world where we put rape victims on trial, not the rapist. I have not yet reported my rape to the police because every therapist and social activist I've talked to has told me that I'll get ripped apart and blamed. That is fundamentally WRONG on so many levels and it MUST change.
We can't expect safe sexual exploration when we force people to venture into "dark alleys". Until we can openly discuss and learn about our desires, exploring them will remain dangerous and yet, for many, me included, impossible to resist. The solution is NOT for us to spend our lives repressing and ignoring our TRUE desire.
We MUST stop judging each other and allow all forms of love, play, sexuality, and relationships to exist.
THIS IS WHAT I KNOW TO BE TRUE:
I have never believed more deeply that #loveislove because REAL LOVE is free of judgment, stereotypes, hate, definitions, and externally imposed limitations. REAL LOVE empowers, heals, and liberates. We should NEVER feel outcast or degraded or UNSAFE because of who and what we LOVE.
It is only when we do not allow ourselves to love freely, when we repress our true identity and desires, that love suffers.
That we ALL suffer.
All forms of love, play, sexuality, and desire deserve to exist in the light of day.
You, my REBELLIOUS friend, deserve to be LIBERATED.
You are entitled to live outside the cage of mainstream society.
You were BORN TO RUN FREE IN THE WILD and sleep peacefully, safely, under the moon and stars.
