Alina’s Story
He hurt me in a way I never expected. He was a family friend and a person who treated me well and I believed I could trust him.
I was afraid to tell anyone what happened because I wasn't sure if they would believe me. After all, he is "so good and not capable of this." I have heard this phrase more than once, and when I did try to tell people what happened, it was pointless because no one listened to me and no one believed me.
Once again, I became afraid that I would hear accusations against me. The people I told said that they knew him well and he would never have done it. I was afraid to be told again that I was being deceitful, that I was to blame because if something had happened then I must have provoked him.
I was ashamed. I felt dirty. The type of dirty where you can stand for hours in the shower, trying to wash yourself clean, but nothing can cleanse the memories. I was already ashamed of the memories, and I couldn't bring myself to continue to say them out loud.
I hated myself, and the self-loathing grew day by day. Any more questions about the details of what happened would have finally finished me off.
I didn't want to bother anyone. My family and loved ones would be very worried about me. I didn't want them to get upset and look at me with pity.
I began to believe that what happened was my fault. After all, this was a person whom, it seemed I knew so well… I twisted this in my thoughts over and over again. Maybe he misunderstood me at some point, or maybe I inadvertently provoked him. I tried to find the reason, but I couldn’t. There is no reason, no excuse.
It took me a lot of time and effort to accept what happened to me and start a new life. I had nightmares, I was afraid of men for a long time, I cried all the time, I wanted to commit suicide. Over time, I realized that the only person to blame is the rapist, not the victim. I realized that I was not guilty of anything and that it was not me, but him who should feel guilty.
If this has happened to you, please brace yourself. It will be bad, it will be painful, it will be hard. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. You have a long way to go to heal from trauma, but just know you are not alone. You are not the guilty party. You can do anything, and overcome everything. If I succeeded, then you too will succeed.
